Benchmark

benchmark

noun

  1. A standard by which something can be measured or judged:
Read more at http://www.yourdictionary.com/benchmark#vcdiSLzL77R1AqqA.99

I ran my first race of the season. I almost quit because of someone’s actions. I have never had this feeling while running a race before. Normally I get smiles, waves, and encouragement. This time 2 people almost ruined for me something I love so much.

Let me give you the low down but first a disclaimer: I was in no way planning on winning this race. Anyway I was using my C25K app to run/walk my way through the 5k because let me be honest I am nowhere near ready to actually run a whole 5k. The race started out well. I was feeling really good. Then I noticed what was happening. I was being used as a benchmark. Which is okay. I get it. I’ve done it myself. I follow someone and know that I am doing well if I can keep pace with them. These 2 were not discrete at all and what was most concerning was that it was an older woman and a tween. They would be walking behind me while I was running.  Then when I would get to my walk portion they would run just past me, turn around, look at me, jab their elbows at each other, then smile and/or laugh. What kind of example is being set for the young girl with this woman?!!?

When I noticed this I almost started crying, turned around, and headed back to the start. I felt so defeated. I was being used as a benchmarker! These people were saying to themselves “As long as we can stay ahead of HER we are doing alright”. Let me tell you this made me feel like all the work I’ve done to be healthy was worthless. If people were still looking at me as somebody easily beaten what had I really accomplished? This is where my Mantra comes into the story. I am the storm! I started repeating this over and over. Something in my mind shifted. I was going to make this hard for them. I AM stronger than them. I AM stronger than I give myself credit for. Nothing can stop me. C25K be damned! I took off! I ran until I felt like my lead was big enough that I wouldn’t have to experience their mockery anymore! Then I ran a little more each time the app told me to stop running and start walking.  Needless to say I eventually lost sight of them and honestly don’t know where they finished in relation to me.

Please people if you are participating in a race don’t do this. A benchmark is okay. Looking back constantly and making someone feel inferior is not!

Needless to say I hit a PR. Best 5k time to date at 46:16. Only 20 seconds faster than my previous PR but I am only 2 weeks into C25K and did not run all winter. Based on this my time should improve greatly over the summer.

I just want to share how far I have come. Mostly because just like seeing things in photos makes it more real, Seeing things in writing also does.

5k Times

58:25 9/2014

51:02 10/2014

50:29 7/2016

46:36 8/2016

The first timed event I ever participated in was a 1 mile run. I don’t even know what my time was. I was so discouraged.

Today I finished 89 out of 113. This may not seem great but to me this is amazing! Thank you for helping me realize my potential mocking people! I really appreciate it!

BeFunky Collage

The time in this photo is not accurate. I didn’t stop my timer right away. I was chip timed so 46:16 was the official time.

It was a great event otherwise and I even won a gift card from the course (not for winning).

  1. If you want to know more about this great event let me know!
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Stick with what you know

Saturday after watching my weight climb up to 273 lbs I realized that I needed to stop experimenting and go back to what I know works. I’ve tried paleo, whole30, just watching what I eat, and Primal blueprint. Previously I had huge success using Herbalife, counting calories, and exercising so that’s what I’m back to. So far it’s going really well. I’m doing my 1 week weigh in on Saturday. I will update going forward.

On another note….. I’m planning a weekend camping trip “up Nort” for this summer and I am super excited!

Current Stats: 271.4 lbs, reading The Turn, feeling excited, waiting for it to be warmer

-Fate whispers to the warrior 'You cannot withstand the storm.', the warrior whispers back 'I am the storm.'-Fate whispers to the warrior 'You cannot withstand the storm.', the warrior w

Today

Today I didn’t binge.  I’m not in bed so it could still happen. I resisted the urge several times today so hopefully if I hit a rough patch tonight I can resist. I almost binged today when I went to the grocery store. I had spent all day taking my mom to an appointment for her prosthesis. My baby Goobs was crazy all day. We went to the grocery store to pick things up for his sister’s birthday and he was even crazier yet! In my head I was battling over which junk food I would buy. Would I get Cadbury mini eggs, pb m&m’s, chips, popcorn, a diet coke? “What the heck, why not get them all?” Is what I thought. And then I remembered sitting down this morning and trying to figure out what triggers my binges. Stress, guilt, boredom, and anxiety are just what I could pinpoint from last night’s binge. I talked myself out of the junk food and instead I bought dole chocolate covered bananas. I had one, yes you read that right, one package of them when I got to the truck. I’m not cured but it’s a start. A tiny victory.

Hate

Today I hate myself. I loathe, despise, and abhor myself.

Today I hate myself. I loathe, despise, and abhor myself. I feel sick. The last 2 days of exercise was undone in 5 minutes. I find what I did revolting and yet I still do it. Everyday. For most of my life. There was a 2 year reprieve when something flipped and I was normal for a while. Whatever changed is gone and something is wrong with me again. My heart hurts. My stomach hurts. All I want to do is cry. Why can’t I be normal again? Why does food have such power over me? I don’t want to be like this.

Darkness.

This is my life.

Make it stop again.

I feel powerless.

All the hard work I put in to lose all this weight just feels like a waste.

This self hate is what I experience everyday. Binge eating is my disease.

 

Do yourself a favor…. a letter to myself

Dear Tamie,

Do yourself a favor. Please stop the mindless eating and meaningless stress in your life. You know you feel much better when you eat healthy, right?! When you take care of your body you feel energized, refreshed, and ready to take on the world! When you treat yourself like you have been by imbibing in chocolate, simple carbs, and soda you feel like a bag of garbage being dragged down the road. I think that this week long migraine you have had would make you see just what you are doing to your body! Yes, I will give you some credit. You have been relentlessly practicing Yoga which absolutely improves your mood and decrease stress but it isn’t enough to have only one area of your life on track. You need to nourish your mind, body, and spirit.

Be relentless Tamie! Don’t give up! Wasn’t it Love for yourself that got you this far!? Don’t let your 100 pound loss be in vain. Please I beg of you, Love yourself enough to treat yourself right! I hate seeing you this way. I hate that you feel bad. If you love yourself you can conquer the world! don’t lose sight of your goal. Find what motivates you again. Even if it is simply making every single choice based on LOVE.

Don’t get complacent my dear. Just because you feel 1,000 times better than you did 3 years ago doesn’t mean you can’t improve at all. You can always strive to do better, to be your best self. I know you. I am you. What motivated you came to fruition and now you feel like there isn’t more to work for. There are goals that you still want to accomplish. Let the love you feel for yourself motivate you enough to accomplish them. Walk a half marathon, complete a triathlon, and run a 5k in turnout gear. Let LOVE be your strongest motivator. Your effort thus far is not meaningless. You have come this far. Now fly to to the moon!

Love,

Yourself

Whilst writing this it reminded me of a previous blog post that I wrote about loving myself. I went back and read it again after I finished writing. If you are interested in reading it you can find it here.

life on the sea

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Meaningless

Vivid and bright

Today I read something that really struck a cord with me. I’m currently reading”Strong looks better naked” by Khloe Kardashian. In her chapter about making the best of everything Khloe shares her Mantra “The soul becomes dyed with the color of our thoughts and I want to paint my soul in vivid and bright colors”.  I love this! I want my soul to be bright and vivid! If every choice I make is with positive thoughts and every action is out of love won’t that nurture my soul? If I do things that make me and everyone around myself happy will it not help my soul be bright and vivid? In a way I have been making small steps towards living this mantra without even knowing it!

I could feel my soul getting black and ugly. I was lashing out at people I care about. The weight of my responsibilities and obligations was getting to be too  much for me. I was not carving out time in this life to take care of myself. After being particularly nasty to my husband one day I realized that I needed to make a change. I started doing yoga. I don’t go to a studio or have an instructor. I simply watch YouTube videos at home. Performing this small act and taking some time for myself has done an incredible amount to lift my spirits. I feel alive and grounded. I don’t feel like a “firecracker with a short fuse” like I have been called in the past. I can’t speak for my husband but I don’t feel like I am releasing all of my stresses out on him anymore either.

I’m hoping my Yoga practice will hold me over until the weather warms and I can start my training outdoors. Once outside training starts I want to keep up my practice. I feel most connected to myself when doing Yoga. Maybe I will even graduate to leaving my home and doing Yoga in a studio someday! We will see….. I tend to be a little flighty like a bird. Bouncing from idea to idea.

“You cannot always control what goes on outside, but you can always control what goes on inside” -Wayne Dyer

 

The soul becomes dyed with the color of our thoughts (3)

 

Current Stats: Reading 100 quiet moments, weight 266, trying to eat mostly paleo, doing yoga everyday, missing my boys, working too much.

Challenge

I made it 7 days with no chocolate. When I had chocolate it felt like a choice I made rather than an overwhelming need for it. Since then when I have chocolate it’s a choice. I’m not driven but some internal craving. I feel like this was a successful experiment. It feels great to be past this compulsion!

My next challenge to myself….”how many days in a row can you work out?”

Starting Tuesday I scheduled my workouts just like my job. It’s on my google calendar and everything. I’m going to experiment with what time of day works best for me. It will need to be a time of day that I am always home so early morning or late night.  After this week’s experiment I will know a time and stick to it as long as I can. Let’s see how long I can make it this time.

awaits

Current Stats: finished reading “Surfacing”, weight 268, baby Goobs and I are both sick, trying to quit smoking, very tired, working too much, spread pretty thing, feeling determined, wishing I had more time

You can read about my no chocolate challenge here