Today

Today I didn’t binge.  I’m not in bed so it could still happen. I resisted the urge several times today so hopefully if I hit a rough patch tonight I can resist. I almost binged today when I went to the grocery store. I had spent all day taking my mom to an appointment for her prosthesis. My baby Goobs was crazy all day. We went to the grocery store to pick things up for his sister’s birthday and he was even crazier yet! In my head I was battling over which junk food I would buy. Would I get Cadbury mini eggs, pb m&m’s, chips, popcorn, a diet coke? “What the heck, why not get them all?” Is what I thought. And then I remembered sitting down this morning and trying to figure out what triggers my binges. Stress, guilt, boredom, and anxiety are just what I could pinpoint from last night’s binge. I talked myself out of the junk food and instead I bought dole chocolate covered bananas. I had one, yes you read that right, one package of them when I got to the truck. I’m not cured but it’s a start. A tiny victory.

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Hate

Today I hate myself. I loathe, despise, and abhor myself.

Today I hate myself. I loathe, despise, and abhor myself. I feel sick. The last 2 days of exercise was undone in 5 minutes. I find what I did revolting and yet I still do it. Everyday. For most of my life. There was a 2 year reprieve when something flipped and I was normal for a while. Whatever changed is gone and something is wrong with me again. My heart hurts. My stomach hurts. All I want to do is cry. Why can’t I be normal again? Why does food have such power over me? I don’t want to be like this.

Darkness.

This is my life.

Make it stop again.

I feel powerless.

All the hard work I put in to lose all this weight just feels like a waste.

This self hate is what I experience everyday. Binge eating is my disease.

 

Sabotage

I always sabotage myself. I will be doing so good exercising, eating well, feeling wonderful and then suddenly I get this insatiable hunger. I don’t know if subconsciously my body doesn’t want me to meet my goals or what. I have noticed though that when I exercise the hunger is barely noticeable. I’m at a loss on how to remedy this other than either quitting work or school. This semester leaves me no time during the week. I know it will be better next semester but is sacrificing my health worth gaining knowledge? I’m at a road block and I’m not sure how to bust through it. According to the scale this morning I would have hit my goal of 60 lost by Friday but I got home and that hunger was there and I binged. Binge eating has been something I have always struggled with and I wish I could just get past it. Exercise helps but once again no time. Hopefully I can overcome tonight’s hurdle and just do better the rest off the week.

On another note remember that exercise helps curb hunger and you feel better too. Just a helpful weight loss tip.