Saturday after watching my weight climb up to 273 lbs I realized that I needed to stop experimenting and go back to what I know works. I’ve tried paleo, whole30, just watching what I eat, and Primal blueprint. Previously I had huge success using Herbalife, counting calories, and exercising so that’s what I’m back to. So far it’s going really well. I’m doing my 1 week weigh in on Saturday. I will update going forward.
On another note….. I’m planning a weekend camping trip “up Nort” for this summer and I am super excited!
Current Stats: 271.4 lbs, reading The Turn, feeling excited, waiting for it to be warmer
Today I didn’t binge. I’m not in bed so it could still happen. I resisted the urge several times today so hopefully if I hit a rough patch tonight I can resist. I almost binged today when I went to the grocery store. I had spent all day taking my mom to an appointment for her prosthesis. My baby Goobs was crazy all day. We went to the grocery store to pick things up for his sister’s birthday and he was even crazier yet! In my head I was battling over which junk food I would buy. Would I get Cadbury mini eggs, pb m&m’s, chips, popcorn, a diet coke? “What the heck, why not get them all?” Is what I thought. And then I remembered sitting down this morning and trying to figure out what triggers my binges. Stress, guilt, boredom, and anxiety are just what I could pinpoint from last night’s binge. I talked myself out of the junk food and instead I bought dole chocolate covered bananas. I had one, yes you read that right, one package of them when I got to the truck. I’m not cured but it’s a start. A tiny victory.
Today I hate myself. I loathe, despise, and abhor myself.
Today I hate myself. I loathe, despise, and abhor myself. I feel sick. The last 2 days of exercise was undone in 5 minutes. I find what I did revolting and yet I still do it. Everyday. For most of my life. There was a 2 year reprieve when something flipped and I was normal for a while. Whatever changed is gone and something is wrong with me again. My heart hurts. My stomach hurts. All I want to do is cry. Why can’t I be normal again? Why does food have such power over me? I don’t want to be like this.
This is my life.
Make it stop again.
I feel powerless.
All the hard work I put in to lose all this weight just feels like a waste.
This self hate is what I experience everyday. Binge eating is my disease.
Do yourself a favor. Please stop the mindless eating and meaningless stress in your life. You know you feel much better when you eat healthy, right?! When you take care of your body you feel energized, refreshed, and ready to take on the world! When you treat yourself like you have been by imbibing in chocolate, simple carbs, and soda you feel like a bag of garbage being dragged down the road. I think that this week long migraine you have had would make you see just what you are doing to your body! Yes, I will give you some credit. You have been relentlessly practicing Yoga which absolutely improves your mood and decrease stress but it isn’t enough to have only one area of your life on track. You need to nourish your mind, body, and spirit.
Be relentless Tamie! Don’t give up! Wasn’t it Love for yourself that got you this far!? Don’t let your 100 pound loss be in vain. Please I beg of you, Love yourself enough to treat yourself right! I hate seeing you this way. I hate that you feel bad. If you love yourself you can conquer the world! don’t lose sight of your goal. Find what motivates you again. Even if it is simply making every single choice based on LOVE.
Don’t get complacent my dear. Just because you feel 1,000 times better than you did 3 years ago doesn’t mean you can’t improve at all. You can always strive to do better, to be your best self. I know you. I am you. What motivated you came to fruition and now you feel like there isn’t more to work for. There are goals that you still want to accomplish. Let the love you feel for yourself motivate you enough to accomplish them. Walk a half marathon, complete a triathlon, and run a 5k in turnout gear. Let LOVE be your strongest motivator. Your effort thus far is not meaningless. You have come this far. Now fly to to the moon!
Whilst writing this it reminded me of a previous blog post that I wrote about loving myself. I went back and read it again after I finished writing. If you are interested in reading it you can find it here.
via Daily Prompt: Meaningless
Today I read something that really struck a cord with me. I’m currently reading”Strong looks better naked” by Khloe Kardashian. In her chapter about making the best of everything Khloe shares her Mantra “The soul becomes dyed with the color of our thoughts and I want to paint my soul in vivid and bright colors”. I love this! I want my soul to be bright and vivid! If every choice I make is with positive thoughts and every action is out of love won’t that nurture my soul? If I do things that make me and everyone around myself happy will it not help my soul be bright and vivid? In a way I have been making small steps towards living this mantra without even knowing it!
I could feel my soul getting black and ugly. I was lashing out at people I care about. The weight of my responsibilities and obligations was getting to be too much for me. I was not carving out time in this life to take care of myself. After being particularly nasty to my husband one day I realized that I needed to make a change. I started doing yoga. I don’t go to a studio or have an instructor. I simply watch YouTube videos at home. Performing this small act and taking some time for myself has done an incredible amount to lift my spirits. I feel alive and grounded. I don’t feel like a “firecracker with a short fuse” like I have been called in the past. I can’t speak for my husband but I don’t feel like I am releasing all of my stresses out on him anymore either.
I’m hoping my Yoga practice will hold me over until the weather warms and I can start my training outdoors. Once outside training starts I want to keep up my practice. I feel most connected to myself when doing Yoga. Maybe I will even graduate to leaving my home and doing Yoga in a studio someday! We will see….. I tend to be a little flighty like a bird. Bouncing from idea to idea.
“You cannot always control what goes on outside, but you can always control what goes on inside” -Wayne Dyer
Current Stats: Reading 100 quiet moments, weight 266, trying to eat mostly paleo, doing yoga everyday, missing my boys, working too much.
I made it 7 days with no chocolate. When I had chocolate it felt like a choice I made rather than an overwhelming need for it. Since then when I have chocolate it’s a choice. I’m not driven but some internal craving. I feel like this was a successful experiment. It feels great to be past this compulsion!
My next challenge to myself….”how many days in a row can you work out?”
Starting Tuesday I scheduled my workouts just like my job. It’s on my google calendar and everything. I’m going to experiment with what time of day works best for me. It will need to be a time of day that I am always home so early morning or late night. After this week’s experiment I will know a time and stick to it as long as I can. Let’s see how long I can make it this time.
Current Stats: finished reading “Surfacing”, weight 268, baby Goobs and I are both sick, trying to quit smoking, very tired, working too much, spread pretty thing, feeling determined, wishing I had more time
You can read about my no chocolate challenge here
Children are Masters of Destruction. Let’s just start with the house destruction, belongings destruction, body destruction, and sleep destruction. You name it, they destroy it. My son may be a master of destruction but he is the absolute best thing to ever happen to me. Because of this I am willing to overlook the fact that he threw another hairbrush of mine in the toilet this morning.
What’s harder to get past is the fact that before bed last night I decided that I was going to get up 30 minutes earlier than normal (which is well before he usually gets up) and do a 10 minute yoga video. That’s right folks all I wanted was 10 minutes. Ten minutes to wake up and get some movement in before I had to work. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I don’t get up earlier than I have to, but I decided that I can sacrifice a small and only a small amount of sleep to get myself closer to my goals. Last night I got my yoga mat set up, was wearing Pajamas I could do yoga in, and had my yoga video picked out. Getting myself set up to do this was BIG accomplishment. Then at 5:50 this morning my child started to cry….. and BOOM my morning plan was out the window. Ten Minutes before my alarm was set to go off so that I could yoga my way into a great day.
You might ask….. “Well Tamie why didn’t you just do it anyway?”
And I might say…. “You don’t know my son.”
Any time I attempt to work out at home he will be on top of me in seconds. If i’m doing push ups he will lay under me and cry. Try to do Zumba or dance, he stands at my feet and cries. Yes I could hold him and do anything cardio but I definitely would not be able to do Yoga. Cardio right after I wake up is out of the question for me. I end up feeling all pukey and nobody likes to have that feeling first thing in the morning. I will forgive him for this of course and keep loving my crazy destructive baby Goobs. All I can do is try again tomorrow.
P.S. Despite the exceptionally early wake up he was a very happy little boy this morning. Which makes this Mamma very happy.
Besides who could be mad at this face
Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.